The truth about loneliness abroad: Expat isolation explained

Loneliness is something most people struggle with when they live abroad. In fact a study showed that 87% of expats have felt isolated during their time abroad. But why is that? Let me tell you why - but first, I want to ask you:

If you've ever felt lonely, you will know how horrible it feels when you believe that no one cares, that you're alone and that no one is there to support you. It's a gut wrenching emotion and it consumes every area of your life.

What is loneliness?

In order for you to understand why you're feeling lonely abroad, you need to know what loneliness really is (and what it isn't). Contrary to what most people think, loneliness isn't just about 'not having any friends' - it's so much more than that.

Loneliness is a mental and emotional state caused by your thoughts and beliefs. For some people it even is a lifestyle and form of identity. They identify themselves as a lonely person and live their life accordingly.

Loneliness is not simply the lack of people around you or a reflection of your circumstances. You probably know at least one person who LIKES to be alone, am I right? Being alone is solitude, it's far from loneliness.

You can be alone and feel lonely but you can also be alone and not feel lonely - because loneliness is created by your mind, not your surroundings.

Why do so many expats/ immigrants feel lonely during their time abroad?

It's because they believe that their needs and desires for human connection aren't met, that's what creates the emotion of loneliness.

That's because of 2 reasons:

1) their needs and desires are actually not met

2) they think their needs and desires aren't met

Internationals often struggle with both areas - they haven't managed to build deep and meaningful relationships abroad, so they don't get their needs and desires met AND they focus on aspects of their life abroad that create disconnection rather than connection.

Here's a list of things that can create disconnection:

• Feeling different from the people around you (= you tell yourself you can't relate to each other)

• Having a language barrier (= lack of free and deep communication)

• Struggling with cultural differences (= feeling misunderstood and unable to connect)

• Experiencing homesickness (= not being fully invested in the life abroad)

• Locals having friendship groups already (= hard to integrate)

• Friends moving away again (= losing faith and motivation to start from scratch)

• Lack of time (= not enough time to prioritise friendships)

• Being shy/ introverted (= feeling uncomfortable to socialise)

And the list could go on and on - these are just a few of the things I know internationals are struggling with when they feel lonely abroad.

When you focus on this list (and all the other things that create disconnection) you're unable to see the (ever so small) areas where you are getting your needs and desires for human connection and relationships met already.

Yes, you can always work on improving your relationships BUT doing it from a place of 'I'm already getting my needs and desires met and I want more of it' is going to create a higher chance of success than 'I'm not getting my needs and desires met and I need more'.

I've had lots of clients come to me telling me about how many friends and acquaintances they have and yet they still felt lonely. They focused on the lack, on how they didn't get their needs and desires met vs. on how they do.

Book a free coaching session below to start overcoming your loneliness abroad.