The truth about adult friendships - debunking the myth people are too busy for friendships

One of the reasons why you may fail to make friends abroad is because you don't know the truth about adult friendships.

You base your expectations on what you believe to be true (what friendship used to be like or what you think they should be like) which is not realistic. Your expectations aren't being met, you think something has gone wrong and so you stop trying and just accept your loneliness. When all along maybe nothing has gone wrong and you were right on track.

I want to share with you the biggest myth and thing that I see people misunderstanding when it comes to adult friendships to help you set realistic expectations, get those met and feel fulfilled in your friendships.

Debunking the myth people are too busy for friendships

I don't know about you but adult life IS BUSY. You're working a full time job, have a house to look after, maybe even kids, you're trying to go to the gym at least twice a week while also making friends and maintaining friendships - it's a lot.

It's the same for every adult unless they don't have any of these responsibilities - it's normal, to be expected and not a problem. People ARE busy and that's okay. Because it doesn't mean that they don't have enough time for friendships.

That's the thought error that you may have that is costing you tons of friendships and connection. People are capable of being busy AND making friends/ maintaining friendships. You just have to commit to it, make it a priority and create time for it.

Not every adult will take enough time for friendships, of course. Some people will choose to not spend time and energy into socialising and again that's okay. Because even if some people won't, some people will.

Focus on those people - the ones who are willing to invest time and energy into making friends and maintaining the connection.

How to find people who are willing to invest time and energy into friendships?

Unfortunately there is no magical space where all of these people hang out. It's a matter of trial and error and an experiment. You will have to be willing to meet people and start the process of making friends with them AND THEN see if this person is or isn't willing to invest time and energy into this friendship.

In order for you to do that, you need to know what to look out for when deciding if the person is willing to invest time and energy or not. Because that 'willingness' looks very different to different people. Whatever they will see as enough will be their measurement and it might not align with yours which then leads you to believe they are not willing and you'll give up on the friendship - not good.

What indicates that the other person is willing?

You get to decide what that willingness looks like for you - there is no right or wrong definition. Sit down for 10 minutes Just contemplating this question: When do I know the other person is willing to invest/ is investing time and energy into this friendship?

Whatever you come up with will be YOUR criteria that YOU believe you will need to see in order to believe the other person is invested in this friendship. There are 2 things I want you to know though:

1) This is YOUR definition, not necessarily the definition of others. What you believe you need to see might be too little/ too much for others, or maybe perfect.

2) The higher you set the bar, the more difficult it is to meet it.

Example: If the other person texts you at least 1 time a week, you know that they are invested and willing. 1 time a week might be just right for one person, too often for another and too little for yet another. 1 time a week isn't the law of the universe, it's YOUR expectation. Depending on whether or not this aligns with the other person, you might see a match there.

Example: If the other person texts you daily, you know that they are interested and willing. Daily is depending on the person's lifestyle quite frequent and therefore potentially hard to meet. If you aren't lowering the frequency, it may be hard to be met which then leads to you misinterpreting the other person's willingness and intention.

Set a clear set of expectations and criteria that are easily achievable and realistic for the other person based on their lifestyle and personality. That way you will be able to believe that they are invested and are able to build amazing friendships.

That's not me saying settle for less but it is me saying settle for a realistic amount that 1 busy adult can do. If that's not enough for you, then it might be on you to meet more people, meet your own needs or find other external ways to meet your needs.

Summary

Adults are and always will be busy (unless they don't have many responsibilities) but that doesn't mean that they are not willing to invest time and energy into friendships.

Set a list of realistic and achievable expectations to look out for about what YOU decide is enough. Meet people, connect with them and see if they meet the criteria you've set to determine if they are willing to invest time and energy into this friendship. If they do, happy days; if they don't, move on.

If you're struggling to set realistic expectations OR if you just feel like giving up on making friends because everyone you meet seem to be too busy, I've got you! Book a free coaching session through the link below and I will help you!