The 3 biggest lies you believe about making friends & how to fix them

Moving abroad is exciting and probably the best thing you'll ever do in your life but let's be honest - making friends as an adult in a different country isn't always as easy as we thought it would be.

You probably imagined that you'd easily meet amazing people, build deep connections naturally over time and that you'd instantly feel at home in your new environment. But instead, you find yourself feeling isolated, wondering why it seems so hard to make friends, so much harder than it should be.

If you've ever caught yourself thinking, “Why is this so difficult? Maybe I’m just not the kind of person who makes friends easily,” you’re not alone. The truth is, most internationals struggle with making friends, especially building deep and meaningful connections. That's not because they’re not likeable, worthy or interesting, but because they believe certain myths that hold them back.

In this post, I'll uncover the three biggest lies you might be telling yourself about making friends abroad - and more importantly, how to replace them with facts that will help you transform loneliness into real, lasting connections.

1st biggest lie you believe about making friends & how to fix it

"People already have their friend groups – there’s no room for me."

If I'd get £1 for every time I hear this, I'd be a millionaire! Haha no but honestly, this is one of the most believed and widespread lies.

You may believe that when you move somewhere, pretty much everyone has their friendship group already and there is no space for you to be part of this group. Or even worse, maybe you've made this experience where you have met someone you really liked but they rejected you as part of the group or ditched you for the friendship group.

And if any of that (or something along those lines) happened to you: I'm very sorry to hear that. This is not something I wish on anyone and you shouldn't have had to go through this.

But here's where I need you to be careful: Just because this happened once (or even twice, three times or four times) it DOES NOT mean that it is a general rule that applies to everyone everywhere. We CAN NOT generalise those statements or else we will never make friends.

Depending on where you moved to, I bet that there are tons of people who crave friendships. New mums who feel lonely because their life has changed 360 degrees, university graduates who settle into their life 'back home' but don't feel at home at all, other internationals, people who are 'left over' in their friendship group with others who got married and had kids.

The list could go on and on. I know for a fact that there are tons of people out there who feel lonely and who WANT and NEED friends. That is true as much as it is true that some people already have their friendship group. Both exist. This is not a matter of either or, it's an AND situation.

Go out and meet people until you find the ones that are craving connection as much as you do - maybe on a 1:1 basis or maybe they invite you to be part of their group (that has happened to me too!)

2nd biggest lie you believe about making friends & how to fix it

"If I don’t click instantly with someone, we’re not meant to be friends."

How many times have you heard of love stories where the couple didn't fall in love immediately and then afterwards ended up being the perfect couple? I've heard of quite a few.

Yes, of course, there's love at first sight (and friendship with instant click) but there are also tons of stories of friends and couples that fall in love much later. Those friendships and relationships are just as good and not any less worthy, valuable or meaningful than the others.

Instantly clicking with someone when you meet them for the first time is amazing, don't get me wrong! But it's for sure not a requirement for deep and meaningful friendships. You can fall in (platonic) love with the other person over time. The more you learn about them and the more memories you make together, the closer you'll grow and the more meaningful it will become.

Of course, that may not work with every friendship. Sometimes, the lack of clicking immediately might indicate that you're not the right fit for each other and that is also okay.

I have another caveat here for you that in itself can be the key that changes everything for you: You may have believed (up until now) that the click happens outside of you and to you. As if it is something that is out of your control and done by someone or something else. But that is not true either. YOU are creating the click inside of you. The click you're waiting for is THE embodiment of connection. It's an emotion your body creates when you believe certain thoughts.

So if you want to click more/ quicker with others, create that click emotion more/ quicker in your body. And if you still don't click immediately, don't make it a problem by understanding that it doesn't have to mean anything negative. Just keep going, get to know the other person more deeply and THEN decide if it's a good fit for you or not.

3rd biggest lie you believe about making friends & how to fix it

"If I ask someone to hang out, I’ll seem desperate or annoying."

There's a huge desire for most people not to come across as desperate or annoying. And that makes sense! Our society still has a deep belief that there's something wrong with people who are desperate for friendships - they are weird. So of course you don't want people to think that you are desperate for friendships because you fear that you'd be seen as someone who is weird.

Same goes for annoying - you believe that if you're asking them to hang out and they don't want to, you'd be seen not just as desperate but also annoying. No one wants to be judged as 'the annoying one' - that's instant rejection and that often hurts.

But what both of those worries have in common is the thought error this lie stems from: People don't want to hang out with you. You can just be seen and judged as 'desperate' or 'annoying' if the other person doesn't want to hang out with you.

If they wanted to spend time with you, they'd be delighted that you've asked! So why are you anticipating they don't want to spend time with you? Do you have evidence for that to be true or do you just believe that may be the case? Be really honest with yourself.

In many social situations, people are left to guess and fill in the blank - do people like me? Do they want to hang out with me? Etc. Unless you have some factual evidence for the answer, your brain is forced to come up with it's own answer.

And depending on where your brain is at (whether you have self confidence issues or burst with self confidence for example), you will fill the gaps with a) lots of believe, confidence and trust b) with lots of doubts, worries and fears or c) somewhere in between.

This is why I always start there with my clients - I help all of my clients become connection magnets FIRST before they go out and meet people, so that their brain fills the blanks with things that support and serve them to move forward with meeting people and making friends.

So if you're worried about being seen as annoying or desperate, ask yourself why? Shift your focus to 'If I believed they'd want to hang out with me, what would I think then?'

Try on new perspectives

Like with anything in life - there is no black or white, it's all a spectrum. I am here to tell you that making friends abroad as an introverted and busy adult IS POSSIBLE, if you are able to get over the tons of barriers and obstacles that are in the way.

Your brain will tell you tons of lies to keep you safe and protect you from pain, reserve your energy and seek pleasure - that's your brain job.

You will have to learn how to manage your brain so that your brain stops managing you. That's the only way for you to get the friendships you want.

That's just one of the skills I teach my clients. If you want to learn how to use your brain to your advantage then book a free coaching session below to get started.