Making friends with locals abroad - a guide on how I befriended locals

If you live abroad, you will have probably experienced this problem:

1. You move abroad and you feel lonely because you

2. Struggle to make friends, especially with locals so you

3. Befriend other internationals because you can connect with them but

4. They move away again at some point so you

5. End up feeling lonely again AND on top of that burnt out from making friends

Does that ring a bell? If so, let me tell you that is totally normal. So many of my clients go through the same vicious cycle before finding me.

The worst part about this is that most people don't know that support like mine exists. So instead of seeking external support they let this experience defeat them. Instead of learning how to make friends abroad they give up on making friends and surrender into their loneliness, for a few months until the loneliness becomes unbearable and they move home again.

So I'm glad that you're here and that you found me because I can help you to making friends with locals abroad, so that you don't have to give up on your dream of a fulfilled life abroad.

Making friends with locals abroad isn't better than with other internationals

Before we dive in, I just want you to know that there is no right or wrong / best or worse option when it comes to who you should befriend.

Making friends with internationals is (or can be) just as valuable as it can be to make friends with locals. The only difference is that locals are more likely to not move to a different country AND locals can also give you a way into fully settling in that perhaps other internationals can't give you. Again, these are just thoughts and assumptions, none of it is THE truth of the universe.

Here's what I did to make friends with locals:

I moved from Germany to London in 2019 to live with my partner. I didn't know anyone but him (and I met him only 4 months prior to the move) so I really struggled with not feeling like I belong and feeling lonely.

Once I managed to make friends with locals, it really helped me to get a sense of 'I belong here' and 'I'm part of this life here' - here's how I managed to befriend locals:

1. I wasn't aware of expat communities

   Before I moved, I have never lived abroad before and only knew one person who has. The world of expats, immigrants and internationals was completely new to me at the time (I didn't even knew the term expats before) so naturally, I also didn't know about all the expat communities that exist. London is a very international city, home to people from all over the world. It would have been the perfect place for me to connect with other internationals but I just didn't even think about it because I wasn't aware that it was even a thing.
   

   And because I wasn't aware, I didn't search for it and ultimately didn't join any communities or spaces for people living abroad. Retrospectively I probably would have liked to join a community for internationals earlier to learn from others who have gone through the same issues and struggles as me. At the same time, I'm very happy I didn't because it allowed me to befriend locals more easily.
   

2. I mainly connected with locals

   I had no idea expat communities existed at the time so that helped me in 2 ways: 1) I didn't even distinguish between 'local' and 'international' - to me they were all just people I either liked or didn't and 2) my only goal was just to make friends no matter where they're from.

   Because I didn't make it a criteria to look out for, I just met people naturally based on my interests, where I spent my time and who I already knew. Most of my initial connections came through my partner and they are mostly long term childhood friends and family members who are all 'locals'.

   
   

   Later on, I ventured outside of my comfort zone and met new people. Again, not specifically targeting 'internationals', I just organically met other 'locals' at yoga or through work. Would I have known about expat communities, I would have probably joined them and made friends there instead of organically going out to meet people not judging where they are from because it feels safer.

   

3. I didn’t have negative thoughts about locals Most of the people I speak to tell me this: Locals have their friendship groups already, those groups are hard to get into, locals don't need any more friends, locals are ignorant or treat me differently etc. While I am not saying that this isn't true for SOME locals, I know that this is not true for EVERY local. Just because people have never moved away from where they live, it doesn't mean that they don't want or need new friends. So many locals in their 30's have approached me wanting to make new friends because they a) have never managed to make friends or b) their friends have started families, bought houses etc and they are 'left over' from the old friendship circle. When people have an established friendship circle already and they've been friends for years, it is still possible to enter that friendship circle and start building relationships with them. Will those relationships be the same as the friends who already knew each other? No. Will it mean that they are less meaningful? No. One of my friends invited me into her friendship circle that she had for 15 years. They were all amazing at welcoming me in, taking care of me and integrating me. It is possible! Make sure to not assume things about others, while also making sure to protect yourself of course. You never know what someone wants or needs until you know. Don't let your brain manipulate you into staying lonely forever.
   

4. I learnt how to manage my brain

   Throughout the years of making friends abroad I met so many people that weren’t my people, that I didn’t get on with or that weren’t on my wavelength. And in the beginning I made it mean something negative about me. I told myself lies like 'You're not likeable' or 'You're too different' and believed that I'd never be able to make friends abroad. With time I've learnt how to manage my brain more and more. I started to understand that none of this had anything to do with me, my likeability, my worth, my value and my ability to make friends. My brain had been telling me lies and I believed them, that's all that happened. My brain tried to protect me by telling me all of these lies because it wants to look out for me. Now, instead of believing those lies, I tell my brain 'Thanks for trying to look out for me, but I can handle this. I'm okay and I'm safe. I am likeable' and worthy. There are people out there who will like me'. I don't let my brain control me anymore, I control my brain instead. Over the years I have also changed my whole concept of friendship and connection - what it means to me, what I expect, what my needs are - everything. I am much more self sufficient, calm and unattached which allows me to also love my friends and feel highly connected to them no matter what.

Summary

Making friends with locals is as possible as making friends with internationals/ expats, you may just need to change a few things. Here's what has helped me to make friends with locals:

• I wasn’t aware of expat communities

• I thought it was locals or lonely

• I chose locals - I met and connected with locals

• I chose to not have negative thoughts about locals

• I managed my brain so I wouldn’t feel bad

• I changed my perception of friendship and connection

Whatever is holding you back from making friends with locals, you can overcome it. Book a free coaching session with me below so we can tackle the barriers that are standing in your way together.