Finding a sense of belonging abroad: A guide for lonely, busy and introverted expats

Feeling like an outsider is very common when you live abroad. Dealing with a new culture, new language and overall a new life - it's easy to feel out of place and like you don't belong. But there is good news: you can turn that feeling around!

The best way to build belonging is by building relationships and by working on your mindset. This guide will explore practical ways to create a sense of belonging in your external and internal world, so you can feel at home in your chosen country.

Self-identity and self-confidence

Your self-identity defines who you are and how you see your place in the world. This is the start of any relationship - the relationship with yourself. When you know yourself well and you accept or even like everything about you (not in a full of yourself way but in a being at peace with yourself way) you will become a magnet for connections.

Consider these questions:

• What are my hobbies? For instance, if you enjoy photography, think about how you can use that passion to connect with local photography groups.

• What values matter most to me? Whether you prioritise kindness, creativity, or adventure, these values can guide your interactions.

• How do I want to be perceived? Do you want to be seen as approachable or humorous? Understanding your desired image shapes your approach to social situations.

• What makes me likeable? Maybe it's for your humour, the way you listen to others or because of the fun they will have with your adventurous self. Get on board with the idea that others will like you.

• What do I like most about me? Make a list of 10 things you like about yourself and don't worry, leaning into liking yourself more doesn't make you a bad person!

• How can I accept even the things about me that I don't like? Finding ways to normalise and accept your flaws can help you to make peace with who you really are.

  
  

By addressing these questions, you begin to shape a clearer picture of your identity and to accept yourself as a whole, valuable and likeable human being. This self-awareness and self confidence helps you express yourself authentically in new social settings.

Embracing your uniqueness

Once you have a better understanding of who you are, it's time to celebrate what sets you apart. Being different isn't a barrier - it's an asset. For example, if you’re passionate about cooking, consider hosting a dinner party featuring dishes from your home country. This not only showcases your talent but also invites others to share their cultural experiences.

If you're into a niche hobby, find groups or spaces where others share the same hobby. The people you will meet there will be a great fit to your personality, rather than going to a generic meet up where you'll struggle to find like minded people.

Look for community groups that resonate with your interests. If you’re a book lover, joining a local book club can connect you with other readers and help you to have meaningful discussions over certain books.

Developing communication skills

A solid knowledge of who you are and why you are uniquely amazing lays the groundwork for effective communication. Communication is essential when you want to build new relationships. Here is my favourite communication skills you can practise:

Active listening

Active listening is crucial to building a deep relationship because it helps the other person to feel valued, heard and seen. It involves being fully present and genuinely engaging in conversations. Here’s how you can practice:

1. Avoid Interrupting: Allow the speaker to express themselves fully.

2. Show Interest: Use verbal nods and facial expressions to indicate engagement.

3. Ask Open-ended Questions: Encourage elaboration by asking questions that draw out more information, such as, “What do you like most about your job?”

Starting conversations

Initiating conversations can feel daunting, especially abroad and in a different language. However, if you don't start the conversations, they might not either. So take matters into your own hands and get those convos started!

Here are some straightforward tips to help you get started:

• Use open-ended questions: Rather than yes/no questions, ask something like, “What hobbies do you enjoy?” This encourages dialogue and exploration.

• Comment on your surroundings: If you’re at a café, mention the decor or the menu as a way to open the conversation. This strategy can feel natural and relatable.

Overcoming the fear of rejection

Fear of rejection can be a huge hurdle for many introverts and internationals. This fear can put a downer on your confidence and hold you back from going out and approaching people. Here are strategies to help you overcome this challenge:

1. Reframe your thoughts: Instead of seeing rejection as a blow to your self-worth, recognise it as a part of life. Not everyone will click with you, and that's perfectly normal.

2. Focus on the positive: Recall times when you successfully connected with someone. Use those memories to inspire you for future interactions.

   
   

3. Practice self-compassion: Remind yourself that everyone faces rejection at some point. It doesn’t diminish your value or ability to get along with others.

Building a supportive network

The best way to feel like you belong abroad is by building a supportive network. Surround yourself with people who are uplifting and supportive to get a sense of belonging.

• Seek Out positive people: Spend time with those who radiate positivity. Their energy can lift you up too and ultimately make you feel more comfortable and confident.

• Join local groups and clubs: Engage in community clubs that promote camaraderie. For example, if you enjoy hiking, consider joining a local hiking group where you can meet others with similar interests.

  
  

• Volunteering: Helping others not only provides fulfillment but connects you with people who share your values. Plus, volunteering can lead to friendships based on shared passions.

  
  

As you nurture these relationships, your sense of belonging within your new community will grow.

Feeling like you belong abroad - internal work

While you increase your sense of belonging on a practical level by getting to know and love yourself, improving your communication skills, starting conversations with others and building new relationships - you can also create the emotion of belonging on a mindset level.

Your emotions are created by your beliefs - beliefs are thoughts (sentences in your brain) that you have enough evidence for to make them believable. Them being believable to you and having evidence for why they are true doesn't make them true though.

Imagine this: Henry believes he doesn't belong. He believes that because Paul told him to go back to his own country and that he isn't welcome here. To Henry's brain, it is believable that he doesn't belong because he got told so by Paul - so Henry believes it. But just because Paul said it, it doesn't mean that it is true.

When you feel like an outsider and like you don't belong, it is because of sentences you have in your brain that you believe to be true. You need to find out what those sentences are, why they are not true and how the opposite is true.

For example:

I don't belong (evidence: I got told I'm different than locals)

I do belong (evidence: I'm a human being living here like everyone else)

Find as much evidence as possible for why it is true that you do belong and notice the shift in your energy and emotion.

Final Thoughts

Going from feeling like an outsider to feeling like you belong is a journey that takes time and effort.

Start by focusing on: self-identity, self confidence, communication skills, building new relationships and creating emotions of belonging through mindset work.

As you go through this work, you’ll discover that not only do you belong, but you might also inspire others who feel the same way. Your willingness to get yourself out there and create connections can be just what someone else need, someone who struggles with the same thoughts and problems.

So, take that first step today, and move toward the beautiful network of friendships that is waiting for you.

If you need help with feeling like you belong in your chosen country, book a free coaching session below: